
Living through the death of a child is the ultimate sacrificial purification of the soul I think that anyone can experience. Living through it is tricky. Living through it is a testament to.... to...
I am trying to find the correct word, the precise definition, but it fails me. It fails me because it encompasses all things, thoughts, relationships. It encompasses your very own soul and since that is an eternal and limitless thing... how does one truly define that?
My son's death has taught me things I never would have known. I think one of the most important things, if not the most important thing, was examining my relationships. Not only with family members, but with friends and even strangers. To repair my relationships if they were wrong, or strengthen them if they were good.
One of the greatest sadnesses of my son's life was that his family was fractured, separated, often times at war or indifference between one member or another through divorce, disregard, ignorance. He was too wise for his age, he knew what was important, tried to fix what he could and never felt able to correct things. It wasn't his place perhaps, but it was his hearts desire.
He lived in his time, what I lived in mine. He suffered the same sadnesses and disappointments of familial dysfunction that I had faced myself and we often discussed the why's, how's and what if's. And one of the greatest things that I carry with me for comfort, is his constant thankfulness to me for being the mother he knew had always loved him altruistically. He assured me he understood, that everything I had ever done was because of my love for him. All the lectures and restrictions, allowing him to fall, but always waiting nearby to pick him up and wash his knees. The anger and the frustration with him. That he was able to tell me this many times while he was alive, has been the greatest blessing to me.
That he understood... it is something that is priceless. It is priceless.
And after he died, It was hard for me to remember all the sadnesses others had caused him in his life. Sometimes he was shunned by the people in his own family because of his drug use, because he needed them so much but they either could not give of themself or refused to. And I have thought for the last two years that he is in a place of forgiveness now. That he would want me while I'm still alive, to seek the path of forgiveness and repair.
And so, this has been something I have forced myself to do until it didn't feel forced anymore but natural. I have wiped slates clean and forgiven what I could forgive. Not only for the ones who had all of my life, and then all of my son's life, took little care to nurture our hearts and souls, but for myself. For myself so that I could move on from anger and sadness.
But as we all know, not everything works out the way we think it will or should be.
One can give their best attempts with their whole heart.
It doesn't mean you will change people or their ways and thought process, or that they will suddenly become someone else.
No. The only person that has become someone else is you. You is the only thing you can change. The only person you can control or be sure learns the lessons that must be learned.
And it may be sad, it may be something you can't believe. Because in your mind, you believe that the death of your child is as life altering for others as it is for you. And then you see dysfunctional people continue to be dysfunctional by choice, habit or indifference. They continue on their same destructive path and it is as if this ultimate devastation has never occurred.
It can be very sobering. But what I have learned is that it's okay, after you forgive them to let them go. Because you are now someone else, you are not their victim or their collaborator. You are not their punching bag, or the silent witness to their sick behavior. This is one of the important things you must learn.
That you forgive, is all that matters. And I know my son knows that I have tried and even succeeded in the acts of forgiveness. But he does not expect me to continue in the torturous emptiness of some relationships. Relationships that never served me before his death and mine, but certainly have no place in my life after my rebirth.
I deserve more than that. Every human being deserves nothing less than Love, honesty, faithfulness, genuine care, and compassion. And if the people in your life can not or will not give that to you, it is okay to let go. Wish them well, but let them go. For your safety, your sanity and your very soul.
Forgiveness isn't something that comes easy to humans, but it is something that can be learned and appreciated. Give yourself permission to forgive. Then, if you must, give yourself permission to let go. If you know you have tried your best to repair a wrong, to assist in repairing a relationship, to stay faithful to what you have learned, then it is okay to let go of what no longer belongs. That includes any relationship that is destructive or dysfunctional and painful.
The time to Love is so short. If someone does not accept that Love, there are so many others who crave it. You can Love people from afar too.
Trust in your new life. Forgive, Love, and be kind to yourself. Respect yourself enough not to allow yourself to settle for less than your personal bliss.........