Just when I think I have navigated the circle, finding myself in a different space on the spectrum, I look around and it seems I have not moved an inch. I have moved around and around I know and at times the circle looks different. But then there are days like today, where it all seems like the same dark spot. I haven't traveled so far after all?

Everyone I know has gone on with their lives, belly laughing, having children and grandchildren, taking vacations and getting promotions in their jobs. They have nights out, go to parties, socially connecting and making new friends. I look at it all from my window in the tower. Desiring it too yet.. having no desire at all.

You must find the ways to keep your child alive in your life while continuing to live without them.
It's because of their loss that you have come to fully understand the true preciousness of life.
You want to honor life. Theirs and yours.

But sometimes it so hard. It is the one thing you cannot seem to be able to do.
You crawl back into your shell and shut the world out. At the same time, wishing to embrace life again.
It can involve so much guilt and sadness.

I continue on in my journey......